Change would be good

This month's DSMA Blog Carnival asks, "If you could change one thing about diabetes, (besides not having it), what would you change? Why?"

I have thought about this for quite some time.  There are many things that I would LOVE to change about diabetes.  

Finger sticks - I know that it is the easiest location to get blood for a bg check, but my fingers get sore sometimes.  I have calluses so thick that I've used them as a thimble.  

List of conditions that I'm now at risk for -  Going to a new doctor is never fun.  Filling out the medical history paperwork and seeing "Diabetes" printed in red is not a comforting sight.

Multiple doctor's appointments - I'm thankful for having a job that gives me quite a bit of "sick time" so I don't lose any pay for all my appointments, but I would love to take time off for something a bit more enjoyable.

Cost of medications - I feel very blessed to have the insurance coverage that I do, and that I don't have to argue with them (too much) to have everything covered (read: test strips), but I still have deductibles and co-pays that have to be paid.  

Each one has it benefits and downfalls, but there is one that stands out above all others.  

If there was only one thing I could change about diabetes would be the emotional aspect. 

There are days when the blood sugar roller coaster is too much and I don't want to do it anymore.  There are other days when blood sugars are level all day, but at a low level, or high level, and no matter what you do it won't come up or down.

There are days when you begin to question yourself and your ability to manage this disease.  The feeling of failure can be very overwhelming.

However, it's the emotions that sneak up on me during a high or a low that are the most frustrating, and heart breaking.  I know I am very grumpy and short fused when I am running high.  Sometimes I don't know that I'm running high, but when it seems like everything is getting on my nerves and no one can do anything right, I try to remember that it is not them, but quite possibly me.  If I have been running high all day, when I get home I walk in saying, "I've been high, and I can't get it down, so I'm very grumpy.  Consider this your warning."  

I don't know about you, but I wish I didn't have to do that.  I try my darndest to keep my emotions, and my mood swings, in check but sometimes I'm caught off guard.  It's not my family's fault but they are the ones that pay the price, and it is not fair.

So if there was one thing I could change about diabetes (other than not having it) would be that my emotions would not be so effected by my blood sugar levels.  There are enough things in the world that effect my emotions... I just wish diabetes wasn't one of them.

Don't bring me down

May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes.  What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and/or your loved one, and how do you cope?

This is a loaded topic.  There are so many things on a day to day basis that can get people down whether they have diabetes or not.  There isn't a day that goes by that something doesn't happen that could make a person blue.

Who hasn't had a proverbial Monday on any day of the week? 

• The fuel light on the car turns on the morning you're running later than usual to work.
• While walking into work the elastic on your slip breaks and proceeds to end up around your ankles right as you walk in the building.
• Your child's school calls to let you know that they have been caught doing something they shouldn't.

Any one of those can bring a person down. 

Dealing with diabetes on a daily basis just adds to the possibilities of downers.

• You drop the bottle of insulin you've used once, and it shatters on the kitchen floor.
• Your insulin pump gives you the "low battery" or "motor error" warning just before you sit down for dinner.
• Your insurance company limits the number of test strips they will cover.

It's the little things that pile up that bring me down.

• Purposely poking my finger multiple times per day.
• Really wanting to be able to sneak a cookie from the pantry but knowing I can't without someone knowing about it and me paying for it later.
• The amount of time each day that I loose because of checking blood sugars, dosing insulin, calculating carbs, taking pills, etc.
• Usually being the last one to sit down to dinner because I'm bolusing for what is on my plate.
• Always having something attached to me to monitor, or control, my health.
• The amount of money that is spent to keep me alive instead of on a family vacation.
• Knowing that my family worries about me more than usual.  Am I not answering my phone because the battery died? or because my blood sugar is very low and I am unresponsive?
• That long stubborn high that you can't explain and can't bring down no matter what you try.  The ones where you look at your pump cartridge after filling it and wonder if even that would be enough insulin to bring you back into range.

The list could go on and on, and I'm sure it wouldn't even begin to scratch the surface of all the things that can bring you down. 

However, staying down is not an option.  Taking a deep breath, and quite often a nap, helps a lot.  Watching the sunrise or the sunset and sitting there peacefully taking it in.   Reminding myself that it really could be worse.  That I've been blessed, not by this disease, but because of the disease.  I have been blessed with having to learn more about how my body works than what is considered the normal.  I have been blessed with the knowledge that many people love me, and they show it.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to befriend a world of people that I would have never had the chance to even meet.

These blessings, and a whole lot of other little GOOD things that pile up faster than the bad things, is what helps me get through the bad days.  Some days it works, and other days I go to bed add to my prayers a request for a better day tomorrow and I sleep.  I know that when all else fails, God doesn't.

Mental Health - Post 21

One of today's suggestions was Mental Health.  This topic could fill many many posts in and of itself.

The mental health field has kept me employed for nearly 17 years.  No.. I'm not a therapist.  Some would say that I cause mental anguish, but that comes with working in accounts receivables.  After all, don't you stress when you get a bill in the mail?  Me too.

When it comes to diabetes and mental health, it surprises me, and yet doesn't surprise me, how much they go hand in hand. 

The first doctor I saw when I was diagnosed left a lot to be desired.  I talked about some of it in my first post, but I also wish she would have told me how much of a mental strain there was going to be.  I mourned the loss of "normal" life as I knew it.  I mourned again when I received my corrected diagnosis, and that is just the initial toll. 

Daily there is emotional and mental issues that go along with having diabetes.  I have beat myself up a few times because I could have chosen something better for lunch, or failed to remember my supplies when I knew I'd be running out of insulin before lunch.  We've all been there. 

Daily there is the emotional and mental issues that our Type Awesome's have to deal with also.  I can't count how many times I've overheard my husband talking to someone about how he wished it would have been him and not me.  Or how he wishes there was something more he could do. 

The mental toll of having a chronic condition can be heavy, but with the loving support of family and friends we can make it.