I was looking forward to it less than usual. Don't get me wrong... I LOVE my endo. Ever since I started seeing her instead of previous doctors, I feel the management of my diabetes is doing much better, but I wasn't looking forward to it today.
I was less than enthusiastic because I knew my A1C would be higher.
I know the A1C is just a number, and that it doesn't always reflect the entire story behind the last three months. That simple number didn't reflect:
- My daughter's surgery and subsequent healing. (Mom's worry it is that simple.)
- The pain I'd been dealing with in my heel.
- The ridiculousness that is called "cortisone".
- The surgery and healing of previously mentioned heel.
- The lack of my (usually) daily walks.
- The mental lashing I've given myself lately.
Days like today, knowing that I had gone in the opposite direction I wanted to, make me even more thankful for my endo. She never expresses any type of judgment. She encourages involvement with treatment decisions. And, whether she realizes it or not, she is a huge boost to my emotional state when it comes to dealing with my diabetes.
With everything that has been going on lately, and the fact that my bgs are running higher than I like them to, I was wondering if I had given up a little. I thought to myself, "Am I doing enough, or am I just going through the motions? What will my doctor say? Will she mark me 'non-compliant'?" I know I hadn't given up because otherwise I wouldn't have cared if I cared or not. Today, one small sentence from my endo, eased my mind completely. "When I see someone who is checking their blood sugars an average of 7 times a day, I know they're really trying."
I am really trying. I am really trying to keep my blood sugars in range. I'm really trying to have more steady lines on my CGM and less roller coaster blue prints. I'm really trying to lose that weight that has snuck on over the last few months. I'm really trying to do better with portion control and not do so much 'emotional eating'. I'm really trying to not let my blood sugars dictate my mood. I am really trying to keep it together on days when it feels like the slightest tremor will make it all fall apart.
I AM REALLY TRYING. Thank you Dr. Endo for recognizing that. It means more than you know.